14 June 2017

Long Distance Co-parenting & What Makes It Harder

You may want to pull your hair out.  You may want to scream.  You may want to curse.  You may even want to cause physical pain to the other person - BUT WE DON'T... Not ever, because - BAD!

But being a single mom is hard.  Being a single mom who's ex chose to live 15 hours away is harder.  Being a single mom who wants to give their child the benefit of the very large family she has - yet  lives so far away - but can't because bills and adulting happens daily, is the hardest. 

However tough these things may be, they can, and often are, dealt with in the best way possible by the parents.

Long distance co-parenting is the biggest challenge I've ever faced.  I see the desire in my child's eyes to have her Daddy close by, to hang out with her Big Brother, and to play with her cousins.  Our family here is smaller... MUCH smaller... and the cousins that Lily could play with from my side of the family live even farther away than her Dad does.

I count on my friends who have children and Lily's dance studio to include us in the fun they have so that Lily isn't stuck with just me all the time.   Day-school has been a blessing since it gives Lily time to interact with lots of children her own age, some a year older or younger, but very close to her age.  I try to fill Lily's life with love and happiness at every turn!  And, thankfully, her father is more than willing to pay for this fun because he also sees how happy it makes his daughter!  (Have I told you Thank You lately?)

Vacations are planned, but have become increasingly difficult to pull together because money, obligations, and school.  I can't just pick up Lily and throw her in the car anymore and go wherever I see fit. 

So, when a family member(s) just can't understand why there hasn't been a visit recently, it throws a dagger right at the heart!  The wave of emotion that floods the nervous system is uncanny.

There's instant Anger, Sadness, Pain, and Loathing. 

Happiness jumps in from time to time b/c "they care..." 

"But do they?"

Guilt. 

A "How dare you" feeling rushes in.

Confusion.

AND total "WTF" moments creep in and out. 

You think, "Do they really believe that I'm not doing everything in my power to get her there?!"

I understand, 90% of the time, any "butt ins" from 3rd party family members are meant with good intentions.  I also understand and have experienced, 90% of the time, any "butt ins" from 3rd party family members are not received with good intentions in mind.  It almost always feels like an attack.  Especially when you rack your brain ALL year to see when all the pieces will fit together.

When the Mom and Dad are so over the top stressed by the situation, an uninvited 3rd party viewpoint is not needed.  Least of all when it's coming from the Ex's side. 

I would never be hurt by my mother suggesting a helpful solution to my problems.  Nor would my Ex be hurt by his mother doing the same for him.  Our respective families are who we turn to when we need help; they love us and care for us.  We know that they are always looking to make our lives better. 

AS WE DO FOR OUR OWN DAUGHTER😉 

It's when the family line is crossed that things can get a little tense.

Don't get me wrong, some families stay extremely united after divorce.  And that is the most beautiful thing I can think of.  But in the circumstance with my Ex and I, our families were never united. 

FLASHBACK:

I was discharged from the Army, and met this handsome Airforce man a few years later.  He was stationed halfway across the country where my extended family lives and I took the opportunity to move there to get to know him and my family better.  Shortly after, God blessed us with a child.  But he and I did not stay together.  Our entire relationship lasted 15 months before I moved my daughter back home.  We struggled to stay together after that - up until this past December.  We finally realized that we were blessed with a child and a friendship, but a relationship/marriage is not what God had intended for us.

Everyday. Is. A. Struggle. E-V-E-R-Y-D-A-Y!

He doesn't get to live with his daughter.  He only gets to hear stories that I tell him, see pictures that I share, and sometimes - if Lily will sit still for 5 minutes - talk on the phone.  His visits here are short, filled with fun, yes, but always ending in tears.  Our visits there (Yes, OUR, my daughter does NOT travel without me!) are what is becoming so hard to manage - Leaving my Ex feeling awful for the lack of connection that is shared between his daughter and his family.

My situation isn't a cake walk either.  I get to see Lily everyday and share in all of her events, but I also have to pick up the pieces of a broken child. I have to teach her to be resilient, though I don't know how to do that.  I have to hold her, sometime multiple times a day while she cries for her Daddy.  I get asked why her friends have Daddy's that live with them and she does not.  I get the good, the bad, and the very very ugly. 

My daughter is a tough cookie, let me tell you.  She puts on her brave face whenever she see her Dad.  When they happen, the visits and talks are so pleasant because she wants them to be.  She wants all the good memories to hold on to.  My Ex doesn't see the pain.  Third party family members - on both sides - don't see the pain.

At the end of the day, the single parent needs to believe that they are doing things right.  Not that we won't make mistakes, we all do.  But we cannot doubt ourselves.  Parenting is hard enough without placing doubt on our every move. I know, in my heart, that I am raising my daughter well.  I could be better, I could be stronger, but I love her unconditionally and I do everything I can to make her happy.

Third Party family members, well intended or not, need to step back, take a breathe, and count to 10.  A child is given to 2 people.  Those 2 people need to work together, come to decisions together, and have each other's back on those decisions.  Your feelings - third party individual, though valid - are not going to make the job of the parents any easier.  Our job is so hard already, that what we need most from you, is simply support, support, and more support!  Plus, a smidge more support! 💖


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