Hyperfixation...

Hyperfixation - an article I read on The Mighty dealt with Hyperfixation.  WTF is Hyperfixation?  It sounded appealing...

Lord-y be... I have such a love/hate relationship with labels. I feel that they divide people from the one true label "HUMAN," yet at the same time, I feel that they often give me a sense of understanding - not only for the world around me but for myself.

Take Hyperfixation for example. 

The short of it... it's me! 

The long of it... it's me!

I've never been teased - in a bullying sense - for my fixation on the many things I tend to obsess about, however, there is always that "things that make you go HM!" vibe I get from some people when I disappear to Amphipolis, or Pan-Am, or inside the TARDIS, and -of late- Stars Hollow. 

The obsessions run deep...

Was I depressed in HS when I decided my entire life would revolve around school, color guard, and Xena?! Perhaps. If I look back, most of my time was spent doing these 3 things. 

I didn't have the greatest friends (despite some of you being pure gold), I felt like I was walked on often, I never felt comfortable in my own skin, and I did everything I could to escape my reality.  Just a normal teen, right?!?!

Color guard was a place where I had power to be honest. I tried out for CG Capt. my Freshman year - that took balls! - having never before touched a flag. I didn't get it, and for good reason, but that is where my eyes were set! I ended up Capt. my Junior and Senior years.  #power  I absolutely LOVED CG. I was surrounded by amazing girls, my best friend, and we even welcomed some middle schoolers onto our team.  It was such a blessing to have this team during HS, when most of life is total Bullshit!

Xena was my escape for when I wasn't allowed to be at school or CG. I literally traveled ancient Greece and other ancient worlds with Xena and Gabrielle everyday, for years! I would come home and watch my VHS recorded tapes 😲 - yeah, let that sink in - on weekends it was a Friday night Herc and Xena double feature on the WB, Saturday, well don't you know I got my girl at noon AND 8pm! Then Sunday, you guested it, noon again! Xena was my very best friend. And embarrassing enough, when I met Lucy Lawless, I told her that. 😝

Senior year, my real life best friend and I started hanging out more. A car of my own helped in this area, and Xena was coming to an end. It seemed time to move on.  Enter, Nicole Kidman... Moulin Rouge was my hook.  After that, every movie was a MUST SEE!

Sadly, after graduation, rebellion is what I decided to focus on - I do NOT recommend this to anyone.  Drugs, Alcohol, Disobeying and BREAKING the heart of my mother became all too familiar.  This was short lived - thank GOD!  By the new year, I was working and trying to find my next move.

ATTENTION!  Yup, I was obsessed with joining the Army.  I signed on for 6 years.  Within my military life I became obsessed with Buffy and Dido while fighting in Iraq.  There was a toxic relationship that lasted 5 years too long (1 day was too long).  Then things turned bad, and I was obsessed with getting home.

The list goes one... 

Partying

Romance Novels by Karen Marie Moaning

The Hunger Games

Doctor Who

Buying books - that I have yet to read, but keep buying more 

Online learning (on-going still)

Gilmore Girls

Does this all play into my coping with depression?  I have NO CLUE!  But it sure does seem to be a - most of the time - healthy way to deal.  Partying and rebelling aside, I love my TV, Movies, and Books.  I love taking online classes to learn a little bit about a lot of things.  I enjoy my obsessions.  And if this is what is keeping my depression and anxiety in check... well, I'm okay with that! 

Do you know a Veteran?

I never noticed it before now...

I didn't think things like this affected me...

I did walked away with some scars...

Is this why?

I have no clue if this is a pattern of mine or not.  I don't keep a journal - though I probably should - to track behaviors and such.  But this year, Memorial Day is hitting me. 

Every year around this time, I think of 36 specific people.  Some I never met.  Some I knew in passing.  One I see in my head often.  And One was a great friend to MANY of my friends, though just an acquaintance to me...

These 36 people lost their lives.  They gave the ultimate sacrifice.

I am often thanked for my service around this time of year... I'm very against this.  Because I am always thinking of these 36 men and women... I'm remembering them...I'm wondering if they would have had children now, like I do, had they made it home safely. 

And then someone thanks me... Why?  Memorial Day is a day to remember those who have fallen. 

I'm not placing this definition here as a stuck up, "you're uneducated" dig.  There are MANY things I know not the meaning of.  But Memorial is a word I am FORCED to know.  

A "memorial" is usually a structure built to remember those who have passed.  Think of the Lincoln Memorial in DC, the Korean War Veteran Memorial, Vietnam Veterans Memorial - here, check out this site of Must-See Memorials.  "Memorials" are also events held to remember those who have passed.  It's always has to do with those who have, well, died.  It's not for the living.  

These 36 soldiers that the 3rd Brigade, 1st Infantry Division (BRO) lost, each had a memorial down-range.  I set them up.  I watched as friends, leaders, and civilian workers came in to say goodbye to the battlefield cross that was meant to represent their fallen comrade. 

This became an overwhelming obsession for me.  I had to set it up, check every line, dress right dress.  I had to set up the sound system, make sure everything worked, no feedback.  I had to play the music, I knew the cues, I knew exactly when everything needed to be played.  I didn't know these 36 soldiers personally, but I would be damned if their farewell was anything less than perfect!

I've blocked a lot of this away.  I image a tiny music box in my head where I hide all the awful things that I've seen.  That way, if I ever open it, I hear beautiful music and the awful is so scary.  But sometimes I forget to wind up the music box and the scary comes out...

Do you know a Veteran?  If so, hug them on Memorial Day because they may have a music box too.  They may have a number of people they are thinking about.  Don't thank them, just celebrate in remembering those that were lost.  

#GoSilent is sponsoring a Nationwide moment of silence.  Monday, May 29th, from 3:00pm-3:01pm, go silent to remember those who paid the ultimate sacrifice and gave us our freedom.

Growth and Understanding

Yesterday, when I saw this picture on FB, I thought how amazing the outlook of this man towards his wife.

"Men are so worried that marriage will leave them with 'only one woman' for the rest of their lives.  That's simply not true.  I fell in love with a 19 year-old rock climber, married a 20 year-old animal lover, started a family with a 24 year-old mother, then built a farm with a 25 year-old homemaker, and today I'm married to a 27 year-old woman of wisdom.  If you're mind is healthy, you'll never get tired of "one woman."  You'll actually become overwhelmed with how many beautiful version of her you get to marry over the years.  Don't say no to marriage, say yes and keep saying yes until the day you die.  #DaleyWisdom."

This man knows what is up!  Flipping the scenario around, I personally never thought that it was a burden to be with "one man."  When I was younger, I was filled with excitement about "the one."  I couldn't wait to meet him!  I couldn't wait to find out who God put on this Earth just for me.

Then I got older, and I got hurt.  And then I got hurt again. And then I got hurt again.  The excitement of meeting "the one" is cloaked in fear of getting hurt again.  As well as, my daughter getting hurt in the process.  Fear kills all hope.

When fear paralyzes you, it's time to grow and understand on a personal level so that when you meet a man who's interested in be "the one" you and he can grow and understand together.

Almost every day I am reminded why my marriage didn't work out.  I can be in pain, upset, down.  I share this vulnerability with my ex, half out of habit and half out of not having someone else available.  My pain is never met with empathy, it's never met with understanding.  Literally speaking to him makes me feel about 1,000 times worse 90% of the time.

This is totally self-abuse.  I know the outcome will NOT be what I am looking for.  But as the bible says about forgiveness - not 7 times but 77 times - meaning that we are to forgive... ALWAYS.  And my turning to someone who I know will not be there for me, is, I guess, my way of forgiving and giving him another chance.  And this is where I will welcome the wisdom of the Dalai Lama -

Forgiveness doesn't mean forget what happened... if something is serious and it is necessary to take counter-measures, you have to take counter-measures.

 I can forgive for my own personal well being... I can never forget the pain that was caused... my counter-measure is to simply take care of myself from now on.

It's important for me to find a man like the one who shared such wisdom in his post.  Women grow and develop, we change, we evolve.  Learn us, Love us, Laugh with us!

Single Motherhood is hard. But this is harder...

When Lily's dad and I started dating, it wasn't a 1 guy deal.  He came as a package, and I knew there would soon be another littler man in our lives from day one.  I had to really think about what I was stepping into.  There was a family element in his life already and I needed to me 100% that I wanted to be a part of that. 

I needed to quickly...

• How to respect the boundaries that the mother put in place
• How to love and take care of a child that was not mine
• How to create a home that this little boy could walk into and not only feel welcomed but as though it was HIS
• How to give Zech and this boy space to develop their relationship

All of this while I was just started a relationship with Zech myself...

I was shocked at how easy it was for me... this role of step-mother.  We all know the stories - Chinderella anyone? - and the last thing I wanted was to be "The Evil Step-Mother."  It's important that children know the people in their lives love them.  This little boy was going to be in our home, he was a part of our lives, and I needed to be a welcomed member into HIS family.

That was the easy part.  Falling in love with this little boy.  Allowing him to steal a piece of my heart for all time, actually brought me great joy.

The tough part?  The tough part is today.  Today I could walk up to this boy and he wouldn't know me.  He may have a vague memory, "oh yeah, that's Lily's mom" - but that's only if he remembers Lily.

For some people, divorce brings peace.  It gives them their identity back and it frees them from a situation they felt trapped in.  For me, divorce has brought me nothing but heartache.  I may have been freed from not-so-good relationship, but I lost my [step]SON. 

It's a little empty when they are gone.  You miss them.  You cry when you think about them, or when someone brings them up.  Luckily,  do still get to hear about him, but it hurts to listen to stories or to hear about events you weren't are won't be a part of.

This little boy still has a piece of my heart.  I just hope that one day, he remembers it's there and smiles knowing how much he was (IS) loved!!